A not-so-excellent comment on an excellent post by Dr. Isis:
If we all waited for tenureship [to have children] there would be a lot of bitter dried up old childless prunes. This is eexactly the attitude that encourages departments to be filled with the old boys network + childless humourless females.
I can hope that PhysiolMum was referring only to women who want kids at some point in their lives but keep putting it off and not to those who have no emotional or biological drive to have kids–like myself, a woman who is pushing 30 and has no desire to interact with children on a daily basis, even if they were my own. Otherwise, it seems I am destined to become a bitter, dried-up, old, humorless female in the old boys club. Perhaps someone should warn Paramed.
It would suck if she meant that just because we have a uterus and ovaries we all must reproduce. I’m very much in favour of birth control, and timing you reproduction. Especially if one is not tenured, or has little hopes of being tenured, or simply is between jobs. I love kids, I do, I love interacting with them. But I don’t have this nagging feeling that I must reproduce now. My BF and I have even talked about adopting if I were to become an old-prune.
I’m pretty sure she was talking about women who wanted kids but didn’t because of having to put things off and/or the variety of women who don’t want kids and look down on those of us who do.
I imagine that you’re right in the interpretation, SM, but I think the sentiment could be expressed a little differently and/or with acknowledgement that some women are childless by choice unrelated to career. I am perhaps a little sensitive to this issue because the hubby and I don’t want kids, and that decision has been the focus of a fair amount of condescension/judgement from some I’ve worked with over the years, often women in science.
What BiochemBelle said in the last comment. People seem to feel that they have the right to judge others (especially women) who are childfree-by-choice, assume that they are unfeeling robots who hate all kids, tell them that they’ll change their minds because really there’s only one right choice, etc. When you’ve heard it over and over again for years, from friends, family, colleagues, and random strangers on the bus, the language used in the offending comment really jumps out at you.
Cath & BioChem – OMG have you not yet realized that there IS only one right choice?! barefoot and prego in the kitchen. LOL.
In all seriousness, I think we women get judged alot by everyone. There are all types of women that make up the world. Child free by choice being one of them. And just like everything else, there are a million varieties of the childfree by choice women. (as there are varieties of us child bearing ones). I have experienced the ChildFree by Choice woman, who looks down on those of us who want/have kids as if we’re really not that serous. Don’t like that variety that much.
I get the desire to not have kids, but maybe thats bc I’m often wondering WTF was I thinking?!
Heh, I just got back from a friend’s baby shower. Almost every single person there who I didn’t already know well asked if I have / want kids, and acted really oddly when I answered no to both questions. I kept thinking of this post and smirking!
Cath, glad to help (?).
SM, you’re right that there can be judgement from both camps. It’s unfortunate that we simply will not or cannot accept that others make the decisions that are best for them-that there is no one right way, just the one that’s right for you. That goes for other decisions completely unrelated to children too! For some reason, it often seems to be women that are the most judgemental of other women’s decisions. Is it just because we feel comfortable discussing these issues with other women, whereas men mostly don’t?